Refusing To Be Main Caretaker For Elderly Parents: AITA For Insisting On Assisted Living?

In a heartfelt Reddit post, a user shares their dilemma of being the primary caregiver for their elderly parents. The user's parents, both in their 80s, are struggling with various health issues, including dementia and Alzheimer's.

The father's behavior has become increasingly combative and verbally abusive, making the user hesitant to continue providing care. Despite having a sibling living nearby, the user's mother insists that they take on the responsibility of caregiving, citing familial obligation.

The user seeks advice from the Reddit community, questioning whether they are in the wrong for refusing to be the main caretaker due to the father's hurtful behavior. The emotional toll of being subjected to verbal abuse, especially in front of their own children, has led the user to reconsider their role in their parents' care.

The user contemplates the option of assisted living or hiring a full-time nurse for their parents, recognizing the need to prioritize their well-being and mental health. Reddit users empathize with the user's predicament, offering support and validating their decision to prioritize self-care.

Many commenters affirm that setting boundaries and protecting oneself from emotional abuse does not make the user the antagonist in this situation. The thread unfolds with insightful comments, advice, and shared experiences, highlighting the complexities of family dynamics and caregiving responsibilities.

Original Post

My parents are both in their 80s and live about two hours from me. For reference, I have a sibling who lives right down the road from them.

Neither of them has aged well—they always refused to be active and have lived very sedentary lives in their retirement, so aging has been hard on them. My father, especially, has struggled with type 2 diabetes and dementia/Alzheimer's.

He is very combative and mean about everything, which is how he has always been, but dementia and old age have made it worse. He directs a lot of his anger towards me and is especially mad that I am trying to get them to move into assisted living because they fall constantly and need so much help.

Anytime he disagrees with me about anything, he starts screaming and calling me names, including “fat-a**” and “the thing.” “The thing” hurts especially hard because I am his daughter, and he is reducing me to something that is hardly human. He will say, “don’t look at the thing over there; she’s so ugly she might break your face,” or just ridiculous stuff.

He does this when he is completely lucid and remembers everything/everyone. Or he will say, “don’t feed the thing,” when my mom tries to offer me food.

I tried so hard to ignore this treatment, but once he did it in front of my kids, I put my foot down and stopped visiting. My mother now wants me to come to her 3+ times a week to help with cooking, cleaning, helping dress my father, etc.

I have said no because the way he treats me is terrible, and I have to look out for my own well-being. She says I just need to ignore it because he is old and grumpy.

She says I take things too personally and that I am obligated to help them because they raised me. AITA for saying they need either a full-time nurse or assisted living?

UPDATE: Thank you all so much for your feedback, advice, and commiserations. I am going to tell them they need assisted living or an in-home nurse, but it is not me anymore.

I do want to also add that while my father does have dementia, this mean and cruel behavior, as well as my mother’s behavior, is not new; they have always been this way with me. My father just has less restraint in his old age.

Understanding Caregiver Burdens

Dr. Elena Rodriguez, a geriatric psychologist, points out that the decision to refuse caregiving responsibilities often stems from a complex interplay of emotions, including guilt, frustration, and a desire for autonomy.

Her research indicates that many individuals feel overwhelmed by the expectations placed upon them by family members, particularly in caregiving roles.

This can lead to significant emotional distress, as individuals grapple with their own needs versus those of their parents.

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According to studies in the Journal of Gerontology, balancing personal life and caregiving duties is a common challenge, and setting boundaries is crucial for mental health.

Establishing clear limits on what one can reasonably provide can help alleviate feelings of resentment and burnout.

Moreover, seeking external support, such as professional caregiving services, can provide much-needed relief.

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Engaging in open discussions with family members about one's capacity and willingness to provide care can also foster understanding.

Research suggests that having these conversations can lead to more equitable sharing of responsibilities and reduce the emotional burden on one individual.

Ultimately, prioritizing mental health and self-care is essential for sustaining long-term caregiving relationships.

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We're curious to hear your perspective. Share your thoughts in the comments.

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Expert Opinion

This scenario illustrates the complexities of familial relationships, particularly concerning caregiving responsibilities.

Encouraging open dialogue and boundary-setting can help alleviate the emotional burdens often associated with these roles.

Analysis & Alternative Approaches

Ultimately, navigating the challenges of caregiving requires clear communication and the establishment of healthy boundaries.

By prioritizing personal well-being while also considering family needs, individuals can create a more sustainable caregiving dynamic.